red alert
“hon? hello! hello! ‘di kita marinig. i’m in a conference right now. tawag ako mamya. the enemies are still near, there are hundreds of them. cge, call ako mamaya. ingat ka.”
The line went dead. After countless attempts of unanswered calls, he finally said those words. i didn’t know he was into such, all i have in mind is that he is in war. i haven’t talked to him for 4 days for which seemed like ages to me. and when he finally answered that fateful call, he was such in a rush that i didn’t even had the chance to utter a single word. i have so much to say. i’m terribly missing him, i want to be sure he’s ok, that he’s safe. but i was deprived of that single chance to speak. the phone is still in my hand, it was as if he’s inside it and i don’t want to let go. i couldn’t talk, i just stared blankly on the wall. tryin’ to figure out how it had happened so fast that i wasn’t able to say something. then i looked on the tv screen, feeling paranoid about seeing him on the evening news. terrified by the thought of seeing him hurt or wounded or worse…dead. the thought of it makes me feel sick, it is as if i die everytime i hear the newscaster say, “maraming namatay kabilang na ang ilang mga sundalo….”how things started is such a beautiful story between us. he came into my life right in time, just when i thought love is turning its back on me. just when i thought i’d be broken again. just when i thought everything is a farce, far from the reality of the word “sincere”, when i almost believe that everything he says is just a part of a facade to something unbearably nonsense. i was wrong, he had proven me otherwise. he’d been so nice from the first time he talked to me. he have the guts to bridge the distance and difficulties of communication. he showed admirable efforts to reach out to me. i tried to make ways for him to stay out of my door, but he kept on knocking until i finally decided to let him in. he never surrendered. he never ceases to amuse me with his ways to make me feel special. i love the way he makes me smile with his antics, the way he tells me he loves hearing my voice, the way he asks me what’s wrong when i stay silent, the way he asks about my goals and plans, the way he answers my out-of-the-world questions as if he is being graded, the way he tells me he could stand up to my “kakulitan”, the way he apologizes everytime he’s not able to text or call due to operations, the way he calls me “mommy”, the way he tells me not to worry about him that much because he will do everything to stay safe for me, the smiley on his messages (kahit siguro nakukulitan na sa akin), his very long patience, endless understanding, and untainted love. “the subscriber cannot be reached, please try again later.” the constant voice of the operator adds up to the burden i feel. i blame all the telephone networks of not giving a satisfactory service. i realize, i’m hurting inside. not because of feeling unloved or uncared, but because of not being able to hear his voice, of not being able to hug him, of not being able to see even a glimpse of him. i didn’t know it would hurt this much. the stabbing pain of not being with him. he once told me, “you’re the very reason why i still stay sane in this state of chaos. your voice alone could keep me calm under troubled circumstances. and you alone can make me feel ok in this fallen world.”
i see my friends with their loveones along the streets, hanging out together, eating out together, go to movies together. and everytime i see them like that, i tell myself, “it’s ok. he will be home soon.” yeah, even that “soon” is unsure. i just keep on praying and hoping that the war will be over now. that he will really be here soon.
he is there, down far south. i am here, up far north. we’re as if worlds apart. we are not seeing each other face to face, but our minds and hearts meet…they’re intertwined…they’re one. he is there, i am here. but we keep each other in our hearts…in our being. my cavalier…it is so hard to be a part of a soldier’s life, that i tend to feel so much stricken with confusion and uncertainties at times and forget that he is fighting for my safety and for everybody as well. i feel sorry about it. i should be more understanding, more patient, and more brave. not just for him, but for us. that it takes a whole lot more than just giving a love, but a heart, a mind, and the soul. i know deep in me…he will be home soon.
