hello blog
it’s been a while since i last used you. sometimes i get the chance to come and visit but all i could do is stare, i can come up with thousands of words, but i couldn’t put it into writing. so much has happened in the last few. somehow i commend myself for still thriving. i had the worst pain you could think of. the kind that no one, not even a criminal or a masochist is willing to go through. the one that acts like a red horse beer, you don’t feel it until you try to move and it starts kicking. i still can’t let it all out, not here. thankfully i dialed the wrong number. and as always, it was D who was in the other side of the line.
you know why D and i will always have this unbreakable connection? we have much more than common grounds.
for some reason, he always know what to say, when to say it, and how to deliver without getting me provoked or defensive.
i’d rather to talk him than anyone else. i know it’s unfair to the one. but D and i had gone through circumstances that few people had the chance to deal with. it’s one of those nights in agonizing 6 months through my painstaking journey of battling whatever has befallen. and i’m glad that he was the one on the receiving end.
M: hello? pa, asan ka?
D: andito sa kampo. haha! na-wrong number ka ‘no?
M: oo, sorry.
D: bakit? what’s wrong?
M: binabangungot ako.
D: get up and drink very cold water.
M: no, i don’t want to get up. (then i started sobbing)
D: you don’t have to go through it alone, you know that. i’m here. always here. it takes time to heal. i always tell you that. give yourself the time to recuperate. let go.
M: i don’t know. i don’t know where to start.
D: pray. when you think about it, start praying. put it in God’s hands.
M: i pray but it doesn’t seem to work anymore.
D: it doesn’t seem to because you don’t believe.
M: what was it like when it was your time?
D: you know i had it the worst too. we were all together day in and day out. they are my brothers. i attended 31 funerals in one month. and you know what hurts the most? it was during those times when their wives would innocently ask, “how come you’re here and he’s dead? what did you do? look at what you’ve done!” of course i couldn’t say i didn’t do it because that would mean being defensive and i couldn’t be defensive by then, but it was my responsibility to look after them, yet i realized too that i am not in control of a lot of things. by the last funeral, it hurts so much that i didn’t want to go anymore. but i still did, to pay respect because that what every single one of them deserved. but i guess my case had been lighter that yours. yes we do have this kind of bond, or you say a social relationship. yours was family. it always hurts more when it hits home. i probably had it so many times happened to so many people, but yours outdid mine because it was no other than the one whom you came from…flesh and blood.
M: i still can’t take it.
D: don’t force yourself, but keep pushing. there a hairline difference between the two. when you force, you cause more friction, meaning it could hurt you more. when you push, you are somewhat in control of the intensity. you can decrease or increase your momentum as you please, by the pace you want.
M: why her? there’s a lot of other people there begging for death. a lot of lawless not deserving to live.
D: maybe she’s fulfilled her mission already, she brought you up into this world, gave you a good life, and raised you well to become what you wanted to be and happy.
M: it doesn’t end there, it should’ve never ended there.
D: i know. but realize that things do end, so are we. it’s a matter of time. i’m glad you’re talking to me.
M: i can’t talk to anyone else, you know that. especially about this matter. (well, now i do to you blog)
D: it lightens up your burden. i encourage you talk to others as well, if it helps.
M: i have you.
D: you always do. i’m always here no matter what.
M: how come you barely mentioned about yours before?
D: i did talk to you more than anyone else because like you, you’re the one i trust amongst people and especially with this kind of things. we have this very deep connection that’s not just built by superficial whims. so now, go back to sleep, ok? just think that i’m with you. i’ll pray for her and for you.
M: i miss you.
D: i miss you too. let me know when you’re here.
M: ok. thank you.
D: no, thank you.
M: for?
D: for telling me. for trusting me. for still including me in your life.
M: of course. do you think it would’ve been different if we’re still together?
D: no, because nothing changed since then.
M: i’m glad.
D: yes, i’m glad too.
