you know why D and i will always have this unbreakable connection? we have much more than common grounds.

for some reason, he always know what to say, when to say it, and how to deliver without getting me provoked or defensive.

i’d rather to talk him than anyone else. i know it’s unfair to the one. but D and i had gone through circumstances that few people had the chance to deal with. it’s one of those nights in agonizing 6 months through my painstaking journey of battling whatever has befallen. and i’m glad that he was the one on the receiving end.

M: hello? pa, asan ka?

D: andito sa kampo. haha! na-wrong number ka ‘no?

M: oo, sorry.

D: bakit? what’s wrong?

M: binabangungot ako.

D: get up and drink very cold water.

M: no, i don’t want to get up. (then i started sobbing)

D: you don’t have to go through it alone, you know that. i’m here. always here. it takes time to heal. i always tell you that. give yourself the time to recuperate. let go.

M: i don’t know. i don’t know where to start.

D: pray. when you think about it, start praying. put it in God’s hands.

M: i pray but it doesn’t seem to work anymore.

D: it doesn’t seem to because you don’t believe.

M: what was it like when it was your time?

D: you know i had it the worst too. we were all together day in and day out. they are my brothers. i attended 31 funerals in one month. and you know what hurts the most? it was during those times when their wives would innocently ask, “how come you’re here and he’s dead? what did you do? look at what you’ve done!” of course i couldn’t say i didn’t do it because that would mean being defensive and i couldn’t be defensive by then, but it was my responsibility to look after them, yet i realized too that i am not in control of a lot of things.  by the last funeral, it hurts so much that i didn’t want to go anymore. but i still did, to pay respect because that what every single one of them deserved. but i guess my case had been lighter that yours. yes we do have this kind of bond, or you say a social relationship. yours was family. it always hurts more when it hits home. i probably had it so many times happened to so many people, but yours outdid mine because it was no other than the one whom you came from…flesh and blood.

M: i still can’t take it.

D: don’t force yourself, but keep pushing. there a hairline difference between the two. when you force, you cause more friction, meaning it could hurt you more. when you push, you are somewhat in control of the intensity. you can decrease or increase your momentum as you please, by the pace you want.

M: why her? there’s a lot of other people there begging for death. a lot of lawless not deserving to live.

D: maybe she’s fulfilled her mission already, she brought you up into this world, gave you a good life, and raised you well to become what you wanted to be and happy.

M: it doesn’t end there, it should’ve never ended there.

D: i know. but realize that things do end, so are we. it’s a matter of time. i’m glad you’re talking to me.

M: i can’t talk to anyone else, you know that. especially about this matter. (well, now i do to you blog)

D: it lightens up your burden. i encourage you talk to others as well, if it helps.

M: i have you.

D: you always do. i’m always here no matter what.

M: how come you barely mentioned about yours before?

D: i did talk to you more than anyone else because like you, you’re the one i trust amongst people and especially with this kind of things. we have this very deep connection that’s not just built by superficial whims. so now, go back to sleep, ok? just think that i’m with you. i’ll pray for her and for you.

M: i miss you.

D: i miss you too. let me know when you’re here.

M: ok. thank you.

D: no, thank you.

M: for?

D: for telling me. for trusting me. for still including me in your life.

M: of course. do you think it would’ve been different if we’re still together?

D: no, because nothing changed since then.

M: i’m glad.

D: yes, i’m glad too.

valentine’s day kahapon. happy anti-valentine’s day! wala naman akong masyadong ginawa. nag-attend lang ako ng kasal ng mga boss ko na second marriage na nila pareho. sabi nung officiating pastor sa sermon nya, “you’ll never know who you’re gonna be stuck with. you may find it as a blessing, or spend a vast amount of your fortune to counseling.” tama naman. somehow. pero tulad ng sinasabi ko parati sa sarili ko, merong tinatawag na “choice”. alam ko yan. andyan ako sa sitwasyon na yan eh. ang problema, minsan hinahayaan na lang natin ang fate to take its course. bakit ba may mga sinasabi tayo na hindi natin napapanindigan? tapos sisisihin natin ang sitwasyon o kaya naman ang ibang tao. gagawin natin ang isang bagay tapos pagsisisihan sa huli. marami akong sinabi nun sa sarili ko na nilunok ko. hanggang sa napagod na rin akong mag-justify kung bakit. pakiramdam ko nakakahiya. pero kung di ko naman aaminin sa sarili ko eh di parang niloloko ko rin ang sarili kong konsensya.

siguro nga hanggang dito lang muna. hindi pa ko handang magsalita.

assuming ako. ang kapal ng mukha kong magdrama. yun pala pinsan lang nya. kung bakit kasi hindi muna ako nagtatanong. naniwala naman agad ako sa sabi-sabi. may nalalaman pa kong “i hope she’s gonna be the goood army wife you’ve been trying to find.” ang yabang ng lahi ko. haha! pero syempre masaya ako! kung pwede nga lang non-stop yung pagtatalon eh. kaso baka naman ilabas ko na lahat yung kinain ko. what a year!

kay manong carlo, sa pa-convince dati sa akin na mag-wordpress. thank you sa friendship.

kay emotera, sa walang sawang pagbabasa at pag-encourage about lovelife.

kay watusi, sa mga nakakatuwang blog entries na aking binabalikan. a mixture of wit, humor, and class.

kay Lt. Arol, ang astig na kadete-turned-tinyente. bilang sundalo alam ko kung gaano kalaking sakripisyo ang binubuhos mo para protektahan ang iba. saludo ako sa’yo sir!

at higit sa lahat, myoneandonly D. i love you…deeply, bravely, intensely, sincerely. i hope you finally found what you’ve been looking for. good luck to both of you. you look happy together. i hope she’ll take care of you. like what you always tell me before, i hope she’ll make a “good army officer’s wife.”

got a car.

got a place of my own.

got attached to a very diverse unit.

works overtime enough to exhaust myself to sleep when i go home.

my 3 wisdom teeth was pulled out, a minor surgery, i was groggy from the general anesthesia i was put on and found out that my car has a flat tire right when i got out of the hospital.

laughed to my heart’s content when a friend brought me to six flags/discovery kingdom as a bday present (all expense paid,of course).

nominated for best and brightest blah blah. got an award. recognized by the command.

volunteered for search and rescue operations.

brought my family to golden gate bridge (my ina was exhilarated to tour san fran. my pocket suffered, but my family was happy. nothing else matters.)

half of the people in my unit got and some are getting deployed in afghanistan. hope i’m next.

my original supervisor left for germany 2 wks after i got attached to the unit and now he wants to write me evaluation of performance report. seriously? he haven’t seen me for months! doesn’t make sense. think it’s unfair.

my acting supervisor likes me, professionally. people think he spoils me. i deserve it. i’m good in what i do.

my boss fought the custody over her kids under international laws. why can’t the “maguindanao massacre case” be tried under internation laws? especially that it’s a crime against humanity and not just a simple murder case.

same boss is getting married, again. hope this time it’s the right dude. they’re happy anyway. they deserve each other.

i haven’t had a good sleep in a long as* time.

i received recommendations to go to med school from the high-ranking people in my command. they said they are very much happy to put up my application form for next year’s opening of the med program. think. think. think.

i’m getting old. i’m tired. but i got what i wanted.

ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

airman Y arrived at the airforce base with a winning attitude. she is efficient at her duties and ready to step in without asking. she is filling the shoes of a seasoned medic without any signs of falling behind. she will stay late, arrive early, and come in on weekends to make sure the workload and workforce runs smoothly and patients do not have to wait for immunizations or vaccines as she make ends meet in between all the demands of her duties. she works well with others as evidenced by her ability to get her teams’ work done and assist with other teams’ needs during the duty day. she is a leader and team player.

she has always been the first to assist or volunteer when she sees a need. during a time when our administrative staff was low she would go to the window to assist with checking-in patients and answering questions and was still able to complete her extra newly assigned duty of putting in audionotes lab results, radiology results, and getting letters ready to mail for results for other diagnostics. she is already in-charge of the financial fund, assisting with combined federal campaign, has extensively worked even during unholy hours in the air force week, a distinguished medical officer of the civil air patrol in the local area, among other volunteering duties.

on top of it all, she has taken over caring for a relative in need and as such is functioning as a single mother. she still is active in her community and is on a soccer team with her peers. she is physically fit and meeting all the Air Force Standards. she continues to impress and surprise her coworkers and we are thrilled to count her among “our team”. i feel she has outshone her peers and deserves recognition for a job well done!

signed

col. thatshowweroll

commander, usaf

p.s. i ommitted the names so as not to put anything or anyone in jeopardy. soldiers will always be brothers by arms and by blood.  sir, salamat po sa award.

i provide comfort to people i never embrace.

i watch people walk into brick walls, the same ones over and over again, and coax them to turn around and try to walk in a different direction.

people rarely see me gladly. as a rule, i catch the residue of the despair. i see people who are broken, and people who only think they are broken. i see people who have had their faces rubbed in their failures. i see weak people wanting anesthesia and strong people who wonder what they have done to make such an enemy of fate. i am often the final pit stop people take before they crawl across the finish line that is marked: i give up.

some people beg me to help.

some people dare me to help.

sometimes the beggars and dare-ers look the same. absolutely the same. i’m supposed to know how to tell them apart.

some people who visit me need scar tissue to cover their wounds. some people who visit me need their wounds opened further, explored for for signs of infection and contamination. i make those calls, too.

some days i’m invigorated by it all. some days i’m numbed.

always, i’m humbled by the role of helper.

and, occassionally, i’m ambushed.

dalawa na kaming most junior sa unit. pero yung bagong kasama ko eh laging naka-leave o kaya naman nasa office lang nya. ngayon naka-convalescent leave sya ng 2 wks, he just had an incision and drainage of cyst on his back and they prescribed him tons of narcotics. badtrip kasi hindi naman ganun kagrabe yung surgery eh akala mo naman naputulan ng kamay. parang hindi sundalo. samantalang singlaki naman ng higante. hahay!

dalawa sa ka-unit ko ang naka-deploy ngayon at pinag-uusapan pa na we might respond to humanitarian relief mission sa american samoa dahil sa nakalipas na tsunami dun. ibig sabihin mababawasan na naman ang workforce. and oh, natanggal sa trabaho yung dalawang civilian contractors na kasama namin. dalawang key positions sa admin ang nabakante. ours is a satellite unit kaya all around sa trabaho. from admin works to patient care to referrals, labs, meds, procedures, name it and we usually do it. at ngayon, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa ako ang most junior kaya ako ang pinu-pull para gawin yung mga bagay na walang gustong gumawa dahil complicated, o dahil lang sa akala yata nila eh ako si superwoman at kaya ko lahat. which ever it is, i am not happy. but since whining is the last thing i’d do and the fact that i have sworn to duty, i obey. so now my workload had increased into ten folds of what i used to do.

kaya wala na rin ako time magsulat. wala rin naman talaga akong isusulat. sporadic ang ideas ngayon. at sa lahat ng magtatanong kung bakit hindi ako nagpaparamdam, BUSY TALAGA AKO. sensya. wish ko sana bigyan ulit ako ng day off kasi madami din akong inaayos. personal stuff. tsaka matagal ko nang gustong mag-attend dun sa safety training at safety briefing para makapag-motor na ko.

nalungkot ako nung tinulungan kong mag-pack yung mga kasama kong na-lay off. umiiyak yung isa kasi kaka-repossessed lang ng banko yung bahay nya tapos malaki ang problema nya ngayon financially. emotionally depressed pa sya sa mga nangyayari at sabay na-lay off pa. shit happens talaga.

when it rains, it pours. sometimes it rains too hard and becomes a flood that could drown people alive.