Time

visual art. salvador dali. van gogh. orange tulip origami. tea lights. helium balloons. books. music playlist. white t-shirts. science and technology. medicine and engineering. structures. architecture. sociology and anthropology documentaries. hiking. mountain climbing. running. healthy living. happy thoughts. guitar. washed denim jeans. travels. crossing busy streets. gastronome. peeled shrimps. soy milk. church. family.

I wrote the paragraph above about over half a year ago when i was still in deep sadness because of our breakup. Boy it seems like it was only yesterday. We’ve been separated for over 2 yrs now and though i still love you, it is love in the context of wanting you to have the best that life can offer…with or without me. I think i’ve come to terms with the fact that we really have our own lives now. I still want to know where life has taken you and i certainly have the means to find that out. But i won’t. Not because i don’t care anymore, but because i think it is better for us to just keep things this way. You have your own life now and you have probably moved on. The last thing i want to do is to interject in what it is that you have tried to build from when i left.

I hope you have forgiven me. I miss you.

i love you always

 

 

 

Pain

You know what i don’t like these days? i don’t like the fact that i could not move on from you. I just can’t. Every single time i try to live a normal day, there’s always a memory of you that keeps knocking on my head. It could be something good or bad. I can’t look at anybody w/ the same intensity as i did to you. I feel like no one’s ever in the same level as you or even close to. This is how much you affect me. This is how much i think of you. And sometimes i don’t like it because it is painful.

I miss and love you.

Always.

cry me a river

yes, my love. i still cry so much about you. something today reminded me of the pain i’ve caused you and next thing i know, my tears were just flowing nonstop. i miss you terribly. i love you always.

Minions

My love, I’ve been trying to stalk you. haha! I miss you so much, you know. That’s why. Please don’t be mad, i know you’re doing the same exact thing…maybe. So i saw your comment about 15 signs of negative people and surrounding yourself with positive vibes and it felt like it was meant for me. Was i that negative of a person to you? What was it? Too much drama? Too depressing? Too many petty issues? Overwhelming shortcomings? Was i really that kind of person to you?

I really hope that by now your anger have at least subsided a little bit. The thought of it is very sickening still, especially for the fact that you have every reason to be angry at me and i couldn’t argue on that.

But even then, it makes my heart happy knowing that you are probably at least getting by. Not too sure if you’re okay and i can only pray for it, but at least you didn’t kill yourself as what you told me during our last conversations before i walked out of your life. The thought of you being alive is more than enough to keep me sane for now. You don’t know how worried i still am about you. I still ask God to keep you safe always and to shower you with all the blessings you deserve.

I love you very very much.

Always.

daily checklist

I am missing you more than usual again. I’ve been too busy with work that i only have time to eat and go to sleep whenever i get to go home (if i’m lucky). I guess i wouldn’t really mind it if i still have you. You always made sure that i eat, eating well and eating right. Or that i sleep as much as i can. Did you know that the last time i actually had a good and restful sleep was when we were together? Because back then, you were there to keep me calm. I can get really high strung sometimes, mostly when i’m busy at work or during my periods. Speaking of which, i wasn’t in a good mood the other day at work and i knew i just had to avoid people or i would blow off. Then i remembered what you said before, that no matter how angry i get, i still look beautiful to you and that you have all the patience and love in the world to deal with it especially during those times. You always found a way to pacify my mood swings my love. That’s probably why i never had to worry about what’s in store because you were always there and you always assured me that i have you to come home to.

Do you still think about me? Do you still remember our days together? Because i still see you, feel you, and think of you every waking hour. It’s like a daily checklist that i have to make sure i accomplish before a day ends. I still dream about you often you know. These days i’m lucky if i get 2-4 hrs of sleep, that’s even interrupted. If we’re still together, i think i’d get more than that. You were just sooo comforting you heal my wounds, be it emotional, physical, or mental.

I miss talking to you my love. All those intellectual conversations as well as the funny ones we had, i still go back to those memories every time. With you i can freely speak my mind, let my thoughts out in the open, and wear my feelings on my sleeves. I never had to worry about being judged or subjected to scrutiny because you always found ways to understand and criticize with justifiable reason. And again i will say this, i love you endlessly.

One day

What if one day you’ll get to read all that i’ve written here for you? Or what if you’re secretly reading them already. You always knew how to find out things about me, always. Remember those times when i tried to hide things from you just because? Then you will find out and get mad for being lied to, but only temporarily. You said you never get mad at me because you just love me that much. That no matter what i do or how i do things, that you will always find a way to understand. That i can always come back to you when things go wrong, especially when they do go wrong.

Remember that time when i asked, “what if i lose my legs? my eyes? my arms? I wouldn’t be able to walk to you, see you, or even hug you. It would be horrible for me, but more for you. I’d rather not come home and hurt you.”

You said, “it would hurt me more if you don’t come home than all the things you have mentioned combined. if i have to carry you, see for you, and feel for you for the rest of our lives, i’d rather do that than not having you at all.”

Sure enough you did prove how far you would go for me. I almost turned around as soon as i started walking away from you. But i love you too much to not only hurt you and cause more damage. I was so scared you would harm yourself. I still am scared. I’m still living with fear and regret every single waking moment and i don’t know how to get over it. I can’t figure it out.

I miss you very much my love, much more than you know.

I love you everyday, i love you always.

universe

There’s this blog post that i keep going back to reading every now and then because i feel like it’s written for us. Although i have no clue as to who the writer is, I’m sure that she wrote it more probably for herself. It’s about the theory of multiverse or what’s so-called parallel universe.

What if there really is another universe where you and i are together and happy?

What if in that universe, i could freely love you and express it that way it should be?

I keep thinking about it and it is giving me hope. I know this is somewhat close to insanity, but ironic as it is, this is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment. My love, i still think about you every single waking moment. Yes, there are times that they are not as painful, the memories i mean. But maybe it’s the part of accepting that i cannot do anything to change the fact that i can’t have you. Maybe temporarily. But i’m scared, scared that you have someone else now. Scared that you love me less than how it used to be. I was once your greatest. I’m hoping i still am. The thought of not being one to you is sickening, probably because i was never used to being less to you.

I see you all the time, be it in a song, a movie, or something that reminds me of you and us. But i wish i could touch you again, i wish i could talk to you endlessly like how we used to. It will never be the same. I was thinking about it the other day, told you the reason why i had to cut everything between us. I did it because i love you so much that i’d rather suffer the consequences of what the society think was wrong. Rather than have both of us go through hell, i didn’t mind taking the blows no matter how painful they were. I wanted you to have your normal life back. I’m still suffering, but that’s okay as long as you are not in the same hell as i am. Maybe one day i’ll get out of this mess and find my way back to you. And i keep hoping that when that day comes, you are still waiting for me with open arms.

i love you always.

Victims of love

this one best describes us…..

Our hearts have been to battle
Our souls have been to war
We’ve lost the will to carry on
We don’t believe no more
Wasn’t it we that said,
That this could never happen to us?
How wrong could we be?

’cause baby here we are
Victims of love

a broken down unfair
So sad to see the debris scattered everywhere
Victims of love, still cannot believe
We are the victims of love, we cannot retrieve

It used to be so easy , it used to be so good
We had an understanding that got misunderstood
I thought we were survivors and we never would go down
But now, we’re just outsiders as our love comes tumbling down

Maybe we played it a bit too sure
And everything was hearts and roses
But fate stepped in and closed the door
And we were just left standing

and we realized the ending was so near

Where do we go from here?

Victims of love

a broken down unfair
So sad to see the debris scattered everywhere
Victims of love

I still cannot believe
We’re the victims of love, we cannot retrieve

Lost in space

How have you been my love? I’ve been quite busy over the last couple of weeks. You are always on my mind, so please don’t get upset. No words could express how much I miss you.

I recently read something about losing someone. It says, “The worst loss is separation by death. People often think that when they distance themselves to the ones they love, that they have already lost. To some degree that could be the case, but when you actually lose someone because they died, that’s something that you will never be able to fully move on. You can swear to give everything you have for one chance of being able to hold that person again but it will never happen. It’s just how it is.”

I have mixed feelings about this. You know that I’ve already gone through this type of loss because you were with me the whole time. Yet, the separation between us now almost feels like the worst. You are alive and hopefully well, but i couldn’t touch you. I couldn’t even come near you. I could not talk to you or see you. The only difference this makes is that I’m still hoping that one day our universes will align themselves again. Maybe then I’d be sure enough to take that leap of faith. My love, when I lost you my heart died with it. So maybe some time in the future i’ll be able to bring it back to life.

I love you always.

star gazing

I was driving to nowhere a while ago and a song started playing on the radio. It’s the song that i used to sing to you before on some of our late night conversations. That one song that i’d sing after you say something that ends in  “what do you want?” because i would always feel like it goes naturally with it. Do you know that when i dream about you i still feel the same overwhelming love? But when i wake up, all i feel is the pain of losing you. Sometimes i still hope that i haven’t lost you forever. Even in my dreams you’re still holding my hand. I’m slowly understanding the reasons why i left. I’ve always wanted you. I still want you. But I would not put you in a situation where I wouldn’t have any control. Why? Because I cannot bear to see you regret being with me. Our situation has always been tough and you’ve put up so much with it. I cannot ask you to give much much more even if i know you’d be willing to in a heart beat. You are probably going to say, who am I to decide for your future or for what you want. But the thing is, I am the biggest factor of your decision. I hope you remember that. I love you always.